If I turn all my office lights off, maybe they won’t know I’m here…
Today’s letter-writer has become a human “answer machine”: She’s her team’s first (and only) stop to get questions answered and problems solved. But these constant interruptions are leaving her with no time to do her own work, and making her question her skills as a manager. Listen in as Jen and Sara help this manager see that sometimes, stepping back is actually the best support you can give your team.
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Angie King 0:00 Power Shift empowered me to regain agency over my career and really just thrive as a human being inside and outside of work.
Asia Hoe 0:09 One of the biggest things that has changed for me is that I feel less anxious when I'm thinking about my work.
Tais Lessa 0:17 The number one thing I got out of the program was the realization that I don't need to prove my worth.
Julia Drizin 0:23 Power Shift completely reframed how I see myself at work and how I view the concept of leadership. In a world where you don't always feel like you have a whole lot of power, this program really showed me how much power I truly do have.
Emily Duncan 0:38 At Active Voice, we know that work can be a roller coaster – but your self-worth doesn’t have to be. That’s why Sara and Jen created Power Shift – a 9-week program filled with classes, coaching, and community, all designed to help you build self-trust, set new boundaries, and take the lead in your work life. And what you just heard here were four real people’s experiences with Power Shift – content design lead Angie King, senior product designers Asia Hoe and Taís Lessa, and user researcher Julia Drizin. If you want to feel more powerful, too, join us for our next cohort. Sessions start September 16, and enrollment is open now. Head to https://www.activevoicehq.com/power-shift for all the details. That’s https://www.activevoicehq.com/power-shift.
Jen Dionisio 1:42 Sara, I have a question for you.
Sara Wachter-Boettcher 1:50 Go ahead.
JD 1:51 What's your take on shorts in the office?
SWB 1:53 Well, you wore some yesterday, and I thought they looked great.
JD 1:55 Yeah, but I have to say, I felt as I was getting dressed, really unsure if that was professional or not.
SWB 2:05 Oh, Jen, it's just me and you and occasionally other people in our shared office space. But trust me, you can do whatever you want.
JD 2:13 It's wild how kind of getting used to office norms again after working from home for so long can really kind of start to make you second guess these little, little decisions.
SWB 2:24 I know, and I think that some of those norms have also changed a lot. I wouldn't have been able to wear shorts to the office 10 years ago, maybe. I don't know, maybe in some offices you could, but in a lot of places, that would have been like, "Oof, really?" But I think you know what? The world's on fire. It's hot soup summer here in Philadelphia. The air is so thick with humidity. Shorts are the least of our concerns. Let's be honest.
JD 2:49 Good call, good call. And I guess that's why I put them on and was like, "I'm gonna sweat. So even if I look unprofessional, I would rather be comfortable."
SWB 2:58 You know, what is unprofessional?
JD 3:00 Great point. Ah, the things that we have in our heads.
SWB 3:04 Well, hello everybody. Welcome to Per My Last Email: the show about what to do when work gets weird. I'm Sara Wachter-Boettcher.
JD 3:10 And I'm Jen Dionisio. Sara, what are we covering today?
SWB 3:14 Okay, today, we have a question from a manager working in UX who is struggling with some team dynamics. Are you ready for it?
JD 3:21 Oof. I am.
AM 3:22 I manage a team and I’m finding that people are coming to me a lot with questions—often ones they could probably work through themselves, or with others in the team. I want to be supportive and approachable, but I’m also struggling to get my own work done because I’m constantly in problem-solving mode for others.
How can I gently shift this dynamic? I’m looking for ways to encourage more autonomy and confidence without making people feel like I’m shutting them down. When suitable and I get the opportunity to (in 1-2-1s etc), I am adopting more of a coaching approach. I know this will help longer term. But it's the short term I'm needing a magic wand. What should I do?
SWB 4:03 Okay, so Jen, I'm gonna call this listener AM. That stands for "answer machine," in that they feel like they are the machine that has to answer every question.
JD 4:13 Yeah.
SWB 4:13 So if AM wants to stop being that answer machine, where might they start?
JD 4:18 Something that I heard AM say that I think I want to start with is that note about, "I don't want to make people feel like I'm shutting them down." Because I think in a lot of cases, managers, and I'm putting myself in this category from when I was a manager, we really worry that if we are not kind of constantly responsive and helpful, that we are not doing our jobs, and that we are not there for our people, and they are going to feel let down, and they are then going to hate and resent us, and then we're going to get in trouble.
And it just kind of sets up this dynamic where, even if it's causing us a lot of stress, like it sounds like it is for you, AM, we answer all the questions and we jump in really quickly to prevent that from happening. And so I think, AM, a place I would have you start is to pay attention to what happens to you when these questions are coming. Which kinds of questions make you tense up, which ones kind of make you roll your eyes a little bit, which ones feel like they are in that category of like, "Why are you coming to me with this?" Because then you can start to tease out what is making me jump in to solve this problem? Because it might be that you can easily retrain this behavior just by taking a beat before you jump in and answer.
SWB 5:49 Yeah. I really love that, because, you know, one of the first things that came to mind for me was that AM is feeling like they need to have an answer just because somebody has asked a question.
JD 5:59 Yeah.
SWB 5:59 But there are other options, right? Like, when somebody asks you a question and you're pretty confident that they actually know the answer, you can also say, "Hey, actually, that's a question I'd really love for you to be able to handle. Tell me what you're thinking," right? Like, you can put that right back on them.
JD 6:18 Yeah. And I think too, if AM is on a team that doesn't have a lot of trust, that might get sort of a blank, panicked deer the headlight stare from the people on their team.
SWB 6:30 Yeah.
JD 6:31 So, AM, I don't know exactly the dynamics that you're grappling with, whether it's on your team or in the bigger org, but if there is sort of a lack of trust, or if you're in an environment where, like, people get in a lot of trouble for getting things wrong, or, like, there's a lot of nitpicking and micromanaging overall, you may start that same response by reassuring the person, like, "Hey, I have an idea of maybe what you should do or what the next step should be, but I want to hear how you would handle this first," and kind of reassure them that you will say something if it sounds like they are going to, like, humiliate themselves or make a massive mistake.
But to just start to reinforce that trust that they can go with their gut with you and get more comfortable then going with their gut with other people that maybe they don't trust as much. Because it sounds like they do really trust AM if they're coming to them with all of these questions.
SWB 7:35 Yeah, you know, one of the things that strikes me here is something I see a lot. I see it with my clients constantly, which is that feeling that, like, "I need to somehow change this dynamic, but I can't talk about it. I can't, like, tell anybody I'm trying to change the dynamic. I can't make it clear that there's a thing that we're trying to shift here. I have to just magically change the dynamic by, like, willing it to be."
JD 7:57 Yeah.
SWB 7:57 And I always think in those scenarios it's okay to tell the other party, "Hey, I notice this dynamic, and I think that it might be holding you back, and I think that it is keeping me from doing the work I need to do. I want to change it. Can we work together on changing it?" And, like, sort of making that a more normal part of the conversation can make it feel like no longer a problem you have to fix in your head and like, know all the answers to and instead more like, "Hey, this is a journey we're going on as a team. Let's all figure out how do we get there?"
JD 8:29 Yeah, and I think too, as managers, we want to feel like we're not putting too much on our people. But also, I think there are some scenarios where that instinct is like, not received that way. I had a manager who would always jump into a coaching question when I would come to her with a question, and like, oftentimes, those questions were things I was very stressed and anxious about. And I could tell they knew what they wanted me to do, and they had a very strong perspective on what that should be. And so they would kind of put me on the spot to, like, mumble through maybe what my approach was, and then I'd watch their face just kind of contort as they were disagreeing with me, or, like, thinking I was totally off-base.
SWB 9:21 So they were like asking you fake coaching questions.
JD 9:23 Right. Yes, yeah.
SWB 9:24 Because a real coaching question is like, "I am curious about how you actually see this and what you might do here." And a fake coaching question is framed as if it's an open question, but it's like, "I'm just trying to get you to say the thing that I want you to do."
JD 9:36 Exactly, exactly.
SWB 9:38 Yeah.
JD 9:38 And so, like, that was a thing that really kind of eroded my own confidence, also, like I knew whether this person ever said it out loud or not, that actually, like they wanted their say in what happened next. And it definitely, AM, you do not sound like that whatsoever, but I love what you're saying, Sara, about bringing this as a challenge that the team is going to solve together, because it might be really freeing for some people who feel like they're supposed to go to you for all of these questions that they need to run things by you so that you're not feeling left out of the loop, or like they're not putting you on the hook for something, or at risk of disappointing you. And just hearing that like that's not what you want for some of your people, especially the more confident ones. That might actually break that habit fairly quickly.
SWB 10:29 I think it might also help you understand which of the people on your team are doing it because they think that's what's expected of them. They think they're supposed to. And which of the people are doing it for other reasons, maybe because they lack some confidence, they are a little bit worried about how they're going to be perceived. They don't trust their own answers.
And knowing who's who in that way can be really helpful, because for the people who are reluctant to make a decision or to figure something out because they lack self-trust, that's a very different kind of like coaching and growth moment for you as a manager to figure out how to help them build some of that confidence, versus people who are really worried about risks in the kind of environment around them. And they have a stakeholder who they know is particularly snippy, and they have--
JD 11:20 Yeah, yep.
SWB 11:20 Right? Like, these cross-functional partners, who you know can be very critical. And if that's the case, that person might not need help, like, shifting their mindset and building confidence. They may need to have confidence that you have their back. And that's a different problem. And then, like you said, there's some people who might be like, they're fine. They just think they're supposed to do this. And it sounds like AM, to be honest, you might be training them to think that they're supposed to do this, because when they do it, it works.
JD 11:47 Yeah. And I think that it becomes a sort of security blanket, especially for those people who maybe do have some really tricky situations they're dealing with, or maybe are newer, more junior, just not as confident. Again, kind of going back to, like, building that trust that you have their back, even if they don't say the perfect thing in a meeting or on a project or, you know, in a comment or, like a Slack message. And that's something that, as you validate that over time, and I think really talk about what they're worried about, too, you can change a lot.
Because I suspect that AM might find that there are particular types of questions that some people are feeling a lot more hesitant to handle on their own. Like, I had people on my team who second-guessed themselves when it really came to like project work. "Does this deliverable look right? Is this the right wording in this pitch?" That was really different than some other people who felt a lot more insecure and worried about what they should do when it came to interpersonal dynamics, or in pushing back against something that they didn't agree with, or when they were trying to, like, make sense of this giant organization that they felt a little bit detached from when decisions would come down from above.
SWB 13:12 There's so much power in sort of understanding what's underneath those questions and that reluctance to kind of take the step, yeah. It also makes me wonder, Jen, what kinds of questions might AM ask to help better understand where those things are coming from? Like, are there some things that they could ask their teammates when they're trying to, like, address this behavior?
JD 13:35 One thing I might start with is, again, kind of observing behavior, calling it to somebody's attention, because they might not be aware of it at all: "I noticed that when it comes to this kind of situation or this kind of project, you're coming to me with a lot of questions that I feel really confident that you know how to handle or how to address. Tell me, what are you worried would happen if you got this wrong, or if your instincts were off?" And I think that can help to start to unearth what some of those worries and insecurities are, so then they can be addressed, or even just like become aware that that's something that has been stressing the other person out.
Another thing that I might ask is, "If I was out of the office today, like, how else might you try to get this answer?" Because I think a lot of times it's like, shortcutting to your manager is, like, the most efficient path, and it's not meant to be thoughtless or, like, disrespectful of you, but like, it's an easy way to just get an answer real quick without having to, like, poke at someone that maybe you like don't want to bother, that you worry is gonna, like, think that you're silly for not knowing. Helping them start to figure out who else they can get that kind of support from if they need I think not only kind of expands their list of options, but I've also found that that gives an opportunity to position some other people on the team as experts or trusted thought partners that lets them stretch some of those skills and like those leadership talents where they might not be so busy or so overloaded with all of these questions. And it lets them start to build their confidence in being an answerer.
SWB 15:29 Right. Many, many people have answers. It doesn't all have to be through this one person. But you said something a minute ago that I want to go back to, which was this idea of efficiency. It can be the most efficient to just ask your manager when you need an answer real fast. And it's more efficient than muddling through it yourself when they have more experience than you. And it's more efficient than figuring out somebody else you can ask. It's also like, more efficient for whom?
JD 15:53 Yeah.
SWB 15:53 It's more efficient for you in that one moment, and for your manager, it's pretty inefficient, right? And that's what AM is really feeling is like, oh, they're getting distracted a lot. They don't have the time to focus on their own work. It really creates a lot of disruption in their days. But I think there's something else here that AM, I might encourage you to think about both for yourself and think about talking with your team about which is that might feel efficient in the moment, but in the long run, what it does is it puts kind of a ceiling on your people, because they don't learn to take on bigger challenges. They don't learn to solve problems, right? Like they don't learn how to stretch themselves in ways that would enable them to someday, maybe fill your shoes because you've moved up or moved on in the organization.
And I really think about that transition oftentimes that leaders have to go through, where one of the ways that we often feel valuable is by having answers, knowing things, right? Like, "I am an expert, I know stuff." And I think part of being a leader is shifting from that place of being like, "I'm valuable because I know all these things," to being like, "I'm valuable because I enable everybody on the team to know more things. I enable everybody on the team to build the expertise that I already have," and that that is actually much more of a multiplier of your skills and abilities than you simply remaining the answerer.
And so that might be something that AM, you want to talk to your team about, but I'm also curious if that's something that you need to kind of think about for yourself and think about how to internalize that idea that maybe your greatest value is different than how you're used to seeing it.
JD 17:34 You know, something I learned over time, AM, is that yeah, I might have a answer to give. But that, like, doesn't mean it was the best answer, especially if I was distracted and busy and just kind of like, "Oh God, let me just deal with this real quick." Or if it was a situation where I didn't have a lot of context for. And I think that feeling where giving the answer gives me value really started to, like, shift into giving the answer when I have something really valuable to share, or I have access to information that, like, only I can provide, that's when I'm showing value by answering a question, as opposed to feeling like I'm drawing a blank. I gotta just make something up, or else people are gonna think I don't know what I'm doing, and then I'm, like, not plugged into what's going on.
SWB 18:24 You know, I also feel like I can easily get into this, like, answer provider mode. And I think one of the reasons is that, like you said, it's not because I always have the right answers or the best ideas, absolutely not. I'm willing to be decisive.
JD 18:36 Yeah.
SWB 18:36 That's it. I'm willing to be decisive. And my willingness to be decisive can make people defer to me in situations where I don't actually want them to defer. But basically, fundamentally, when we are down to, "Well, we got to make a call and do something. I don't want to sit and spin on things forever." I'll make a call. I think one of the things that I have had to learn/I am still learning is how to bring decisiveness, but also encourage and foster decisiveness in others.
Because if I default to being the decider on everything, how that can be perceived is actually that I think I have the right answer, the best answer, which isn't how I feel, but I've had to learn that that can be how I am perceived in these situations, and AM, I don't know if that's coming up for the people on your team, if they think that, "Well, you always have the right or the better answer," and maybe that's playing into it as well. I suspect that's not the case. I suspect it's more like you're willing to give an answer.
JD 19:36 Yeah, you have more confidence, and you feel like you have something that you can like do to help things move forward. And Sara, what you just shared kind of made me think of something else too, which is, I suspect, based on how thoughtful of a manager AM seems to be like they seem like a manager that cares about this team and what's going on at their work lives, and so I suspect that they may have some perspective on the different kind of problem-solving skills that people have within the team.
Or maybe the better way to phrase that is like, how people solve problems. Like, I know I am somebody who is like a verbal processor, so I think I can talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And it sounds like I'm really uncertain, but it's just like I'm thinking out loud, and like when the rubber hits the road and I have to make a decision, oh, that's fine. I'll just do the thing that makes the most sense, or trust that I'm not going to, like, blow anything up. But I know at times that can make me, as a direct report or a managee feel like I need somebody else to kind of make those decisions, and that's something I know I've had to, like, work on over time too.
SWB 20:47 That also brings up something else that I don't think we've quite touched on, which is, like, are people actually expecting an answer from you? Because sometimes people are doing what I think Jen you just described: they're coming with a question, not because they actually want you to answer it. And they maybe haven't even articulated this for themselves, but like, they kind of know, but they're posing the question as a thing where they're talking through it to themselves, and they're like, almost looking for you to be more like a sounding board. But the way it comes out is as a question that you're supposed to answer.
This might be a good opportunity to check in with people too and say, like, "Oh," again, like you said before, "I have some ideas for this, but it sounds like maybe you could use a sounding board on this. Tell me what you what were you thinking?" Right? To kind of like, give them a chance to try it for themselves and see what happens. Okay Jen. There's another piece of this that we haven't talked about yet, though, that I think we should spend some time on. So right at the end of AM's letter, they said something that really stuck out to me. They said, "when suitable and I get the opportunity to I'm adopting more of a coaching approach. I know this will help longer term, but it's the short term I need a magic wand."
I flagged that because I heard that like, "when suitable" and "when I get the opportunity," and it kind of sounded like AM was feeling like a more coaching approach was something that, like, wasn't available to them in the moment, or that when they're asked a question suddenly, like, let's say over DM, that isn't a place where they could do that. And I'd be curious what your perspective is on that. What might it look like for them to adopt more of a coaching approach anyway?
JD 22:22 Yeah, that stood out to me too. I mean it, I'm laughing, AM, because so much of what I'm sharing is things that I grappled with too. And I think between Sara and I, we have talked to so many managers grappling with also. And I think that goes back to that idea of trust in yourself, that you are not just kind of passing the buck or, like giving up your responsibility. I think too something that often happens is in a lot of workplaces I know, in a lot of the ones I've been in, there is this impossible sense of urgency to everything.
SWB 22:58 Yes.
JD 22:59 You know? Like, I thought about that, Sara, when you mentioned, like, oh, this question might be coming in over a chat, and it's like, you may have this track in your head that's saying, like, "Well, I gotta give an answer real quick. And like, I can't coach over, like, a messaging system," as opposed to being like, "Ooh, this is a meaty one. I've got a half-hour open in a couple of hours. Can we jump on a quick call and talk through this? Because I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it before I weigh in." Or again, like maybe it is a little bit more urgent than you have time for and that's where you can either propose who they talk to to get that sounding board support, or, you know, a concrete answer, or help them start to think about, like, who else could you ask?
"Can you throw this to the team?" is one of the biggest answers I feel like I used to give in our like group chat, because I think people felt a little embarrassed sometimes to like, ask a question. When I would do that, and they would instead, like, take it off our DMs and like, put it in the bigger thread, it would often spark a lot of conversation. It would often be something that other people were wondering about too, and I think that that actually created a lot of supportive relationships amongst the group themselves, so that they could coach and support each other.
SWB 24:23 Jen, you know, one of the things I really love about that approach, about asking people to redirect those to the team, is that it normalizes people having questions and it normalizes people sharing knowledge. It normalizes the idea that all of us are going to have questions, and all of us are gonna be able to give answers, right? Like there is not one person who is the owner of answers, and there is not one person who happens to have all of the silly questions. Every single person wants to run things by somebody else or isn't sure about something and has expertise in one area, but not another area.
And so I love that there's this message in there that like we all participate in this way of working, because it helps all of us level up. It helps all of us learn new things, and it helps all of us get comfortable being in both roles: the question asker and the person who has an answer. The other thing that I really love about that too, that whole approach of throwing it to the team is that it changes who has custody of the problem. You know, I love to talk about who has custody of the problem. I talk about this a lot because it's a really helpful concept to really think, like, "Okay, when somebody lobs a question at you, AM, it sounds like the immediate response you have is that now you have custody of the problem. You are now responsible for having an answer, you're responsible for owning that answer.
And so you can imagine, somebody's passed you the ball. The ball is in your hands now. When the question is posed to the team, what's a little bit clearer is that the person who's asking the question still has ownership of it. They are still the one who has custody. Because it's not a person's court they've thrown it into. It also makes it so it's more of a team responsibility to help each other out, as opposed to something that is just yours. And so I think it might be really useful to think about how you could, like, take some of that stuff out of DMs, if that's where it's happening.
JD 26:15 Totally. And that custody piece makes me wonder too, AM, you know, I mentioned earlier, like, think about what's happening to you in terms of, like, what you're afraid people will think of you if you're not just giving answers and you're taking that coaching approach. But also, I'm curious what you're worried about will happen to them if they get it wrong? Because I think another side of this, and I know when it was sometimes challenging for me to kind of maintain that coaching stance, was when I was getting maybe even irrationally nervous about, like, what could go wrong if they were in like, new territory?
Like, "Oh gosh, I know that this person on their project team has been really annoyed with them lately, and so what if what they decide that they want to do is going to, like, feed into whatever reputation that they have on this team?" Or, "Oh, God, I know that they make things really complicated sometimes. If I don't step in and give them a more direct strategy, then they're just going to go in circles and kill time." And so I'm wondering, with some of this language around "when suitable," how often that suitability is being based in what you're worried is going to happen if they don't respond the way that you would or that you want them to?
SWB 27:37 So like, in other words, it sounds like you're saying, "Hey, maybe you got to look at your relationship with control?"
JD 27:42 A little bit, yeah.
SWB 27:44 Because it's like this desire to control things so that nothing ever goes wrong, to kind of like, make sure that everything is perfect, make sure that the reputation is never threatened. Make sure that nobody's ever mad at your team or whatever. It's like those feelings that can lead you down this path of feeling like, "And therefore I have to hang on to control and I have to manage everything all the time, because otherwise it'll all crumble." And it might be healthy to kind of look at that and say, like, "Okay, wait a second. If this team requires me to have that firm of a grip on everything at all times, is this team working?" Like, I think what that actually reveals is that stuff isn't working that well.
But in your case, AM, I'm not sure that that's what's true. It might just be more of a fear thing that you're afraid of letting go of some of that and just letting things be. And occasionally, yeah, somebody on your team might look bad in front of a colleague or a partner, and then you have to deal with that. Or sometimes something's gonna go out the door that's maybe a little sloppy, and then you're gonna have to deal with that. What if those things are not always crises that have to be prevented, but instead, the normal bumps of working in an organization that's complex and messy that simply need to be attended to when they happen and learn from?
JD 29:00 Yeah, because I'll tell you, nothing used to piss me off more than when people would come to me for answers instead of going to the person on my team, like they would just kind of be, like, "Going to the top of the hierarchy," or like, "Let me go one level up," because it robbed them of the opportunity to, like, get, again, comfortable speaking up for what they thought or believed, and it also reinforced this sense of, "Oh, I'm just here to be an order taker and not to have any opinions or perspective on this."
And that was really corrosive to how they felt about their work. And I think another way I was able to build trust with my team in those situations was to really kind of validate, "Go to the source. Thanks for asking. I would really love to hear what so-and-so thinks about how that went, or what they should do next before I give my opinion, because I don't have the context."
SWB 29:57 Well, you know, it really also makes me think that something that might be coming up for AM is when they get these questions peppered at them, that their reaction is they need to treat it like a whack-a-mole situation, right? Like, "I just need to tamp the questions down. I need to get rid of the questions. I need to, like, make this end." And everything that we're talking about is more like answering with another question, or, you know, like, it kind of like generates something that feels a little slower, and I'm wondering if that might be hard for AM to do.
JD 30:28 AM, I know you said, like, "I just want a magic wand in the short term. Like, I know this will all pay off long term, but right now, I'm at that whack-a-mole station, and it feels like that's all I can do." And maybe a way to build your own confidence in this is by really starting with some of those people that you do have the most trust and faith in. Really kind of getting that practice of keeping coach mode on more frequently with them, so that then you are sort of primed in these other situations, maybe with people who are a little more junior or who do need a little more hand holding to know when it feels right to be a coach versus an answerer.
You know, I still feel this way, like, the longer I coach, the less internal pressure I have to feel like I need to prove value to someone by telling them what to do. And that's a lot easier with people who do have this sense of like, "I know what to do. I just want to validate it against someone." And I think as you see them being successful and growing their own confidence, you'll have more faith in yourself that that is a strategy that works. And I suspect the people on your team will also kind of witness and observe that and have a little more faith in themselves too. So in a moment where you are like, "I'm gonna put on my coaching hat," they'll be more inclined to be like, "Oh good, okay, let's do this," rather than, "Oh no. Does this mean I have to come up with something? What if I'm wrong?"
SWB 32:01 You know, the other thing that I was wondering about when AM was saying that, like "when suitable," "when I get the opportunity, I can turn to coaching," is it almost made me wonder, well, what is that container that AM feels like they need to have in order to put on that coach hat? It sounds a little like, "I feel like I need to have the perfect moment all of the time, and I have to be like this curated setup in which I can then coach." And I don't think that that's true, AM, but I'm wondering if that's coming from a place of not yet being comfortable in that kind of role.
So what I would encourage you to do is maybe lower the bar a little bit on what it looks like to put on that hat, which is not necessarily being in this perfect Zen coach space where you have an hour with this person to work through everything deeply. And think of it a little bit more like, "I'm not exploring this with them as their private personal coach for an hour. I'm putting on my coaching hat because I am going to ask a question back to them that helps them solve the problem instead of answering it for them. And that's it. That's all I have to do. Like, I don't have to necessarily set up like a whole thing," because I feel like maybe that's some of what's coming up here, too.
JD 33:11 It's so true. I know that what we do is very powerful, but really, if you break it down to its component parts, it's listening, asking questions before you answer, and kind of repeating back to somebody what they are saying so that they can kind of gut check it themselves to make sure that what they're asking for, or what they're thinking of is like coming out in the way that they want it to. And yeah, exactly, like that doesn't need to be some really structured session. That is something that can be done quickly at somebody's desk or over a chat, like, it doesn't have to wait for the one-on-one to really be effective.
SWB 33:51 So AM, I hope that we've given you a lot to work with to start thinking about how you might change this dynamic, how you might talk to your team about this dynamic and get them on board with changing it, and kind of also how to, like, make peace with maybe some of those thoughts and feelings you have internally when you change it that you're not doing enough, or that you're not being present enough for them, or whatever it is that you're worried about. What I can tell, AM, is that you really want to be a good manager. You really want to be there for people and support them. Hang on to that, and I hope you can start to trust that being a good manager doesn't mean being the answer machine forever. You are so much more than that.
JD 34:31 I suspect being that kind of manager, your people would be horrified to know that you are drowning in work because you are taking so much time away to constantly be doing this whack-a-mole game. So let them help you. I bet that would feel really good to them too.
SWB 34:48 All right, put that whack-a-mole mallet down.
SWB 34:58 That’s it for this week’s episode! Per My Last Email is a production of Active Voice. Check us out at activevoicehq.com, and get all the past episodes, show notes, and full transcripts for Per My Last Email at pmleshow.com. This episode was produced by Emily Duncan. Our theme music is “(I’m a) Modern Woman” by Maria T. Buy her album at thisismariat.bandcamp.com. Thank you so much to Answer Machine for submitting their story for today’s show—and thank you so much for listening. If you’ve got a work dilemma eating away at you, send it to us! Head to pmleshow.com to submit your story. See you next time.