When a job search feels like cheating on your current company.
Today’s letterwriter feels like she’s living a double life. As the only content strategist at an enterprise-level org, she’s burning herself out leading too many initiatives and trying to convince too many people to care about her work… only to go home and spend her evenings applying for jobs elsewhere. Should she feel guilty for being such an outspoken voice for change—while secretly thinking about abandoning ship? Listen in as Sara and Jen discuss how you can deal with feelings of guilt at work—and how to figure out what’s in your control and what’s not.
Links:
Sara Wachter-Boettcher 0:00 Where is my energy going today that's actually out of my control, and what would it look like for me to redirect that energy toward more of the things that are in my control?
SWB 0:29 And we're back. Jen, it's been a minute. How are you feeling behind the mic?
Jen Dionisio 0:33 You know, it's a little like riding a bicycle. Not that I actually know how to ride a bicycle, but—
SWB 0:41 Really? You don't know how to ride a bike? I didn't know that.
JD 0:44 No, you know, I took a class maybe like five years ago, and I managed to balance without pedals in a gym and haven't really gotten past that stage.
SWB 0:55 Do you want to go to the park and learn to ride a bike with me?
JD 0:58 I might. I might need to put that on the summer schedule.
SWB 1:02 Oh my gosh. I love biking. It feels so great. Get a little breeze in your hair. Sometimes in the city, you feel like you are definitely gonna die, but it's a good time.
JD 1:11 Safer on my Peloton here at the recording studio.
SWB 1:17 Well, on that note, let's get started. If you're new here, this is Per My Last Email—the show about what to do when work gets weird. I'm Sara Wachter-Boettcher.
JD 1:25 And I'm Jen Dionisio.
SWB 1:27 And in each episode of Per My Last Email, we help listeners through work dilemmas by helping them better understand themselves, their situation, and what they really want and need to move forward.
JD 1:37 It's kind of like an advice show, except we don't give a lot of fixed answers, like "quit your job," or "don't work weekends," or, you know, whatever else. Instead, we try to ask coaching questions that will help you make sense of what's right for you, personally, just like we do in our live coaching work here at Active Voice.
SWB 1:56 I'm so hyped that we're back for a new season. There are so many people who are having so many work challenges. I know it, and I can't wait to help some of them. If you have a dilemma for us, please send it in. Go to https://www.pmleshow.com/ and click the "submit a dilemma" link, because we are still collecting them for episodes later this summer.
SWB 2:19 Jen, what's on the docket today?
JD 2:21 Well, today we have a letter from someone who's working at a large enterprise-level financial services organization, so let's hear from her.
GF 2:31 I joined my current organization 9 months ago as a content strategist. The organization has gone through a few re-orgs and new executive leadership. I'm the only one in the organization that practices content strategy. On one hand, I love being the lone wolf who can step in and help every team problem solve and bring content strategy to life. And on the other hand, being the lone wolf and not having leadership that understands the cross-collaboration and processes that include content design is really difficult.
On top of that, my manager doesn't know how to build strategies and bring people along. Oh, and did I mention I sit in the marketing department, so I have to break through silos constantly in order to partner with design and development? I've been burning out trying to find peers who can partner with me and help advocate for content strategy. I'm in constant conversations about what we can improve and what our future looks like, and it feels like every team I meet has a bucket that is leaking with big holes. The content maturity level is very low, and our aspirations are big.
I have reached a level in my career where I can see what we "should" do, and I’m trying to get executive buy-in, which is a slow process. I have been very outspoken. And here's where it gets twisted. As I'm doing this, I've also been applying for jobs and landing some interviews. My dilemma is: I feel guilty that I'm so outspoken in my existing role, trying to make a change, and while doing this, I've been interviewing and thinking about leaving.
On one hand, if things "could" change here, I'd love to stay. But on the other hand, I don't know if things will change, and I don't know if this is the journey I want to go on when the list is so big. I also feel guilty looking for a job when I have job security and a company that I know I bring special value to... even if leadership doesn't really understand it. How do you navigate deciding to leave a company you're fighting so hard to change and feeling guilty for being a part of so many projects you may abandon?
JD 4:28 Oof, you know the first thing I noticed about this letter, Sara, is the word "guilt." Let's call this person, GF, for "Guilty Feelings."
SWB 4:38 Yeah, that's exactly what I clocked, too: so much guilt. And not just guilt, but guilt that they might abandon their projects. Yeah, I just feel like those words were so heavy. And so whenever I hear words like that, it raises a little bit of a red flag for me because they are also very personal words to use. Like, the implication here is that GF is personally responsible for her organization changing, and personally responsible for pushing everything forward, for plugging all the zillions of leaky buckets. And that feels like a lot. So GF, I want to be frank here: it doesn't sound like taking on that burden is working for you. You said you're burning out because there's just so much to do, and all of it is on your shoulders. And you know, no wonder you're thinking about leaving.
You work for an enterprise-level financial services organization, i.e., that is a huge company. And you are a lone wolf. That is way more than one person can be responsible for, and yet you feel responsible for changing how the whole organization operates with regards to content. That's a lot, and I would say that's an impossible task. It's so heavy, of course your brain starts thinking about escape. It's looking for an out. So first up, GF, before you even think about whether you should stay or go or the pros and cons of that, I'd love for you to spend some time digging into what's making you feel like this is all your job.
Because what I know is that your organization is making choices here. It is choosing what it values, what it prioritizes. It's choosing those things based off of where it puts its dollars, where it puts its headcount, what it tells its leaders to focus on and care about. And what I'm hearing is that the organization is not actually choosing to invest in content strategy. Not really. So GF, here you are. You're an expert in content strategy. That means you can see how content is a bigger problem than maybe they can see. You can see the opportunities with content. You can see the connection points between content and the priorities the organization does have, or the big picture for this organization. And so, you know, GF, I can see that that might make you really feel like it's your job to show them how important content is, to take on this responsibility of helping other people see what you can see.
JD 6:59 Yeah, I suspect, Sara, that a lot of content people can relate to this. I know it's something you and I hear quite a bit of.
SWB 7:07 Yeah. And I think it can happen in other disciplines as well. Like, with researchers and designers, we hear that as well. But maybe even particularly with content people. And you know, I'll tell you, I was literally there myself. It was a long time ago now, but many years ago, I built a content strategy practice at an agency. And this was a small company, like it was only around 40 people total. So it was nowhere near what you're dealing with, GF.
But what I can tell you is that back then, I could have said a lot of the same things that you're saying right now. I was a lone wolf, but I was really outspoken, and I was passionate about changing the way that we worked. And so I was out there trying to build relationships with people across my organization so that the account managers would include content and IA work in their proposals, and so the developers would partner with me on CMS decisions when we were building things out, and so designers would use real content in their comps, and we could talk about where content would be coming from when they were designing all these pretty little features, and how it was gonna be managed, and how that would work with the CMS, and how it would actually get populated long-term, and whether the client had staff to do it, and all of those zillions of questions that content people love to get involved with.
And I also spent a lot of time trying to get our clients to understand how important content was and to think about their content and to think about that as an essential piece of the experiences that we were building. Part of me really loved doing that work, making the case to clients, building bridges across teams, educating and dot connecting and like, changing hearts and minds.
JD 7:07 Uh huh.
SWB 7:21 Yeah. I mean, it was a lot of work, but it felt important. And I think, if I'm being honest, I felt important.
JD 8:48 Yeah.
SWB 8:48 And I really wanted to feel important at that time. But here's the thing—it was also very time consuming and energy intensive. I worked a lot of hours trying to convince people to care about content, on top of the hours I was already working doing the actual job that I was hired to do, right? Like actually working on content projects. And because I was the only one who, like, really cared, I didn't feel particularly appreciated for this work. I mean, sure, you know, people would be like, "Oh yeah, that's a good idea," or, "Oh yeah, I'm glad we thought about that." It's not like I got no praise. I wouldn't say that. But it still felt like I was always pushing and fighting and pushing and fighting, and I just felt drained, and I felt so deeply responsible.
I felt like I was necessary because without me, our UX would be worse, our clients would be more confused and frazzled trying to populate their sites. Our developers would have to do more rework because the thing they would build in the CMS the first time wouldn't actually work right for people. And so honestly, this made me a little bit of a martyr about it. I was convinced I had to keep doing this, that it was my duty, that no one else in the company could do it, that sort of like, you know, "Oh my gosh, everything will crumble without me." And I also felt a little bit resentful about it: "I'm working so hard and so much, and people still don't get it?" Now, I didn't realize it then. I didn't realize that I both wanted to feel important and I didn't realize that I was feeling a little bit resentful.
But I can see it now looking back more than a decade later, and what I can also see is that I was over-invested, not because nothing I did mattered. It did matter. I made some progress. We sold some good content strategy projects that were good for the agency. We built some cool experiences that were good for users and clients. And I definitely educated some people, like, I definitely know that some of the developers and account managers and designers I worked with started thinking differently after working with me. Those are all really real things and cool things. But looking back, I don't know how much I meaningfully changed the organization itself, because when I left the practice kind of fell apart. And not totally. It wasn't like it was before when content was sort of like off the radar entirely.
But a lot of things just stopped happening. A lot of the priority that we had been putting on content during our web projects went away. And that felt bad, because it felt like these pieces of me that I had really put so much into were what was going away.
JD 11:25 Sara, I really relate to that, too. So GF, just a reminder that this is something that a lot of us struggle with. You know, I'm thinking of a time when I worked in an org where I was the content strategy team of one. And like both of you, I felt so invested and then so guilty when I finally got a new job, because we were on the brink of finally implementing all of these things I'd like worked so hard to create and get buy-in for. And even though I left, on my way out the door, I actually volunteered myself to finish a big content migration for them for free.
SWB 12:05 No! Jen.
JD 12:10 Free! I wish I knew you then, Sara. I have so many regrets about that one.
SWB 12:14 Oh man.
JD 12:15 Even my head of HR was like, "You offered to do what?"
SWB 12:19 I mean, except that at that time that you were doing that I might have also made a similar boundary-less offer. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't like to work for free.
JD 12:29 Exactly because everything was going to fall apart without me.
SWB 12:33 Right? It's sort of like, "I care so much that I'm going to keep putting this in when I'm not even paid for it anymore." Woof. Okay, so GF, that's enough memory lane. Back to you. We share these stories because we hope they help you feel a little bit less alone in some of those guilty feelings, but also because we hope that this helps you get some perspective on those feelings and maybe rethink some things. Because if what me and Jen are describing resonates for you, I would encourage you to ask yourself if you have to constantly be pushing and pushing and carrying all that weight or everything's gonna stall out, is it really creating the change you believe needs to happen?
And to me, GF, it sounds like no. And I'm not telling you that because I think you should stop caring and stop trying, and give up and like, "Who cares? It's pointless. Clock in, clock out." However, I would encourage you to explore this: what would it look like for you to narrow down where and how you care, to look at where you might be carrying too heavy of a burden, like where you feel like you are carrying the organization, and think, "What would happen if I set that responsibility down?" and got a little bit more focused about where you want to have a sense of ownership because it's where you feel like investing is going to make a difference and feels good to you and connects you with the right people? For that, Jen, I'm thinking a tool that might be useful for GF here is the Circles of Control.
JD 14:04 Oh, yes, that is such a helpful framework when you start to act like everything is on your shoulders to fix and solve. And I think maybe that's where we are.
SWB 14:14 Yeah. So we use the circles of control activity when people are worrying about or trying to be responsible for all the things and then are winding up feeling overwhelmed or frustrated or disillusioned or unsuccessful with all those things. We have a little worksheet for it that we'll put in the show notes. But the activity itself is pretty simple:choose a topic, like you might frame that as "content maturity at my company," something essentially pretty neutral, just this area of concern, and then write a list of all the stuff that you're worried about or that's on your radar for this topic. Just make a big old, messy list.
Now get out a sheet of paper, or get out our worksheet and put a circle in the center of it that's big enough that you can write some stuff inside the circle. In that circle, write "in my control." And then around that first circle, make a bigger circle and leave enough room to write stuff inside that circle. Label that one "I can influence." And then make sure you leave some room outside of that circle, kind of in the margins, and label that "out of my control." Now take your big list of worries and projects and change that needs to happen and start mapping them to those circles. What is in your control, meaning, what are the things you can fully own? That might be the deliverables you make or the changes you yourself personally implement, the decisions you can own on a particular project.
It can also be things like the way you show up to work, the way you treat the people around you, the way you talk about the work that you do, the ways you take care of yourself, the boundaries you set, things that you directly get to decide and then work outward. Where do you hold influence? Think about the contexts that you're in and the colleagues you have around you. In which situations and with which people do you hold power, either because of your role or level, or because you hold knowledge or access they need, or because you've built a relationship so there's a sense of respect there? Where do you get the sense that people are already ready to kind of listen to your opinion? Where have you seen people make changes to how they work based on your recommendation? Those are your areas of influence.
And then finally, what are all the things that are taking up headspace that you simply do not have control over, like enterprise-level business strategy, executive whims, big picture market conditions, other people's behavior and incentive structures?
JD 16:44 Oh, no.
SWB 16:44 Mhm. Once you spend some time on this, GF, here's what I want you to ask yourself: where is my energy going today that's actually out of my control, and what would it look like for me to redirect that energy toward more of the things that are in my control? And also, how much time am I spending on items in the influence category, and how does that balance feel compared to what I'm spending on things that are in my control? Because sometimes we can spend all our time attempting to influence others, and you know, that's a hit or miss activity. So giving a little bit of a sense of balance there can also be really helpful.
JD 17:21 I really think it's helpful to have this sense of balance and to use this framework, because I think it gives GF an opportunity to actually feel some wins, which seems so elusive. You know, when your energy is scattered, trying to fix and influence all the things, progress on even the things that are in your control really start to slow down. But if you can focus, GF, you might start to feel like you're making a real impact on one or two things instead of chipping away at 10 or 20, and those wins may actually be more convincing to the people you want to influence than all of that advocacy. More of a show than a tell. And even if that's not how it pans out, you will still have some accomplishments you feel proud of, or you can put it in a portfolio.
SWB 18:10 Yeah. I mean, all said, GF, the purpose of this is just to really look at how you may be able to shift the way that you do your job so that it's less draining, less of a slog, less of a burnout risk. And, you know, all of that? That might change your perspective on whether you even want to keep looking for a new role. Like I said before, if right now your brain is like, "Escape. Escape, because everything feels so heavy," if you can lighten up the way that you see the job, maybe that shifts in your head and you find that you don't actually want to do that. Or it might not.
You might still be thinking, "Yeah, I don't know if I want to stay here, though." And I want to be clear here: you are not doing something wrong for keeping an eye open for what else is out there, and taking something better if it comes along, even if that means there are initiatives that you've been smiling and pushing forward that you would suddenly leave. Because, again, this is an enterprise-level organization.
JD 19:06 Emphasis.
SWB 19:07 Yeah. If it crumbles because you leave, if their hopes and dreams die because one person leaves the company, that means they never had a realistic plan in the first place. And that means that they have under-invested. It means that they have created a hopelessly fragile ecosystem for change. So like, imagine this: imagine that I had millions of dollars in cash stacked in a big pile.
JD 19:30 Oh, if only.
SWB 19:31 Yeah. I imagine it all the time. It has not happened. Okay, so imagine I had this millions of cash, right, a big pile. And now imagine I set those things on like a picnic table at the park, and I put a pebble on the top of my pile of cash to weigh it down and walked away. And it's a windy day. So if that little pebble falls and my millions all blow away, do I blame the pebble for that? Or perhaps, if those millions of dollars were truly important to me, was it my responsibility to build better infrastructure to protect them? And so, you know, thinking of yourself as the pebble here might be a little humbling, GF, but I do think it's important, not because you aren't strong and smart and capable and valuable, but because, in the scope of a massive organization, pretty much all of us are pebbles.
And the pebble can do things. A pebble can make an impact in small ways, and a pebble, when it binds together with other pebbles, can do bigger things. But nobody alone, no pebble alone, can be responsible for the weight of the whole thing.And guess what? The Pebble doesn't need to feel guilty for not being able to carry that weight, because that would be ridiculous, right? So it might be humbling, but I think kind of thinking about yourself as that pebble can also be freeing, because it can free you of the guilt, the over-responsibility, the martyrdom.
Maybe part of this is that you want to feel important, and this makes you feel a little less important. But what if, in exchange for that feeling of importance, you get to enjoy your work more. You get to consider your choices in front of you, whether you stay or go, whether you invest or divest, from a place that feels a little less heavy, that feels lighter, less existential. From my experience, I found that to be worth it.
JD 21:18 Yeah, 100%. Just to add an epilogue to the experience I mentioned earlier, when I was a content strategy team of one, the one where I did all that free work. As it turns out, it actually took me leaving for the organization to actually make the investments I'd been advocating for. And it turns out that it took about four people to take over my responsibilities. And I was lucky; I met most of them and kept in touch with them over the years, and it ended up being really fulfilling to see them grow my like scrappy little practice into something much more mature. And in hindsight, I feel a lot of pride in having laid a foundation that they could build on. And who's to say that's not what you're doing right now, GF? Clearing the field for other pebbles to roll in and carry on this work that means so much to you. So like Sara said, lean into the freedom of knowing that this work may never actually be done and that your part of it is meaningful however long it lasts or however it ends.
SWB 22:25 And no matter what, GF, you're not abandoning anyone if you decide to leave. Thank you so much for writing in.
SWB 22:39 That's it for this week's episode, Per My Last Email is a production of Active Voice. Check us out at https://www.activevoicehq.com/ and get all the past episodes, show notes, and full transcripts for Per My Last Email at https://www.pmleshow.com/. This episode was produced by Emily Duncan. Our theme music is "(I'm) a Modern Woman" by Maria T. You can buy her album at https://thisismariat.bandcamp.com/.Thank you to Guilty Feelings for submitting your story for today's show, and thank you to everyone out there who is listening. If you have a dilemma that's eating away at you, please send it to us. Head over to https://www.pmleshow.com/ to submit your story. See you next time.